In Memoriam

After I don't know how long, a memory I thought I'd blocked out came back to me...

Growing up, we had two dogs, two beautiful Alsatians. Fanny was the first one. I think there had been other dogs before her, but I remember Fanny. She was a wonderful friend...  When friends would come over to play, Fanny would be so protective of my siblings and me...she would growl at any kid who tried to ''act smart'' with us...it was just a warning growl...she was far too nice to attack anyone. I think she was closest to my father. My mother was never much into dogs or cats...she was allergic to the hundreds of hairs our pets would shed all over the house...but morning, noon or night it was Mom who'd always remember to fill Fanny's food and water bowls on time...

Fanny would get so scared during Diwali time...our house used to be the hub of all the excitement...with candles and sweets and the fireworks - a source of so much fun for us kids - but now I get how traumatic it must have been for poor Fanny...that brave dog who wasn't scared of anything else would be forced to hide under the bed...I was just an insensitive kid then...I had no tears to spare for her as she would whimper under that bed...I was too busy wolfing down gulab jamuns and bursting phatakas...I can't stop tearing up now...

I remember one day Fanny was nowhere to be found...after frantic searching by almost the entire neighborhood, she was finally discovered - the poor darling had been kidnapped by our treacherous neighbors who had stashed her away under their hen coop, presumably to have her for dinner. I remember the indescribable relief and joy when we found her and the depth of anger and resentment against those people who had done that to her... I for one was resolved to be as mean as I could be to the kids in that family...who were probably unaware of what the adults had been doing...

Fanny died on a Sunday. I distinctly remember what day it was because in my mind's eye I can replay those scenes like they've been dvr'd into my memory...there was this program on tv that would come on every Sunday...Fanny had been unwell for the past few days...she was lying down outside in the sun...and she died. That's my memory - that program with a silly jingle playing and outside, Fanny dying. I don't remember what she had been suffering from...I don't exactly recall how old she was...she was 12 I think...I know my parents or siblings would have that information but somehow I don't want to bring this up with them...I don't know why...

We have pictures of her, looking absolutely aristocratic and staring straight at the camera...beautiful and bright...

And then there was Bobby...from the beginning we knew he was supposed to ''belong'' to my elder sister...I don't know how or why but that's how it was...and I must admit he did seem to love her the most...ready to fling himself in fury at anyone who upset my sister...sometimes we'd act like we were mad at her and would yell at her and Bobby would pull back his mouth showing us some scary canine promise of revenge...

Such a darling, cute little puppy was Bobby, always playful...I remember the day we got him home...his first few stumbling steps...and the sheer joy of having a dog in the house again...his cheerful persona...scampering with him all over our beautiful, big garden and watching him lap up milk with the boundless enthusiam that only a dog can possess...

...now I think of things like how we took him away from his mother and his siblings - how painful it is to be an adult and have all this perspective that can make one look back and be engulfed with grief recalling things that one did unintentionally...that one cannot undo...but perhaps adopting Bobby was a good thing because the family he was with had arranged to have him given away so perhaps we were in a better position to take care of him...

When the time came for us to leave Manipur and move to Madras we left Bobby behind with a good friend of ours. It is that memory today that triggered off this huge ball of painful-I-don't-know-what that's lodged in my throat and is making my eyes tear up and my body heave and my hands tremble as I type. We took this little baby and he became an invaluable part of our family and then we left him behind just like that...I don't remember how old he must have been...still a little baby dog, a little puppy. I was 8 then and all I could think of was how sad it was to leave my friends behind, how soon the park and the olive tree would not be and how - wow someone who'd come to say good bye just gave me a handful of candy... yAy! Those were my thoughts then...

I don't know who decided or why that Bobby would be left behind...I'm sure it was well thought out by my parents ...they aren't cruel people and it was probably the best decision...but I look back now and think how devastating it must have been for that poor little soul...twice already in his little life, the family he knew had disappeared just like that...

Many years later I was told that Bobby died a few days after we had left...I can barely write this ... he died of a bone that got stuck in his throat...that little innocent, with his naughtiness and sunny disposition, who knew only how to be happy and make everyone around him happy, that's how he died. I cried when I heard this and even now the tears are unstoppable.

So I had to get back to this blog of mine and pray for some catharsis by writing this down. I hope they didn't feel any pain...even if they did, I hope it was fleeting, momentary, a spasm...at least I have to...need to...think that way...

But it's not just the selfishness of trying to lessen my guilt and pain...I'm writing this as my way of saluting Fanny and Bobby...a small way of thanking them...and apologizing to them...and letting them know how very special they were and always will be. They were the best companions we could have hoped for...they were unselfish and joy-filled and faithful and loving. We controlled their destinies or at least we shaped what their lives were and we unknowingly hurt them ...but we also loved them abundantly and they will forever be missed...

the autobiography of an unknown (single) woman

Why is it so difficult for people to believe that one can be single and happy…


She (laying the groundwork) : so wassup? What happening?

Me (wary) : all good, all good. Cldn’t be better…n how’s the baby doin?

She (ignores the sidestepping…hones right back in) : very good. Healthy. Happy. So how do u like the new place? Met…

Me (quickly) : hey hey like I said all fine…I just moved into an apartment ….

She (quicker): …anyone yet? Or still single?

Me (giving up): single

She: oh (pause) sorry…

Me: ... wtf?!?

i carry your heart with me - ee cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it (anywhere

i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you


here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart


i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

We came upon a beautiful, priceless portrait of a Woman:

Her eyes were radiant as the cosmic stars,
more luminous than all the suns and moons She looked upon.

Her smile was the rainbow, after a summer rain.
Her laughter was the music of rippling brooks and singing birds.

Her hair was thick and voluminous, like young forests and lush, green fields.
It cascaded down Her shoulders, like rivers running over distant hills.

Her hands were made to give,
food, water, precious gems.
Her graceful feet held firm and tight, yet softer than fine soil, in spite of Her might,

Then we Possessed Her,
we stole the sunshine from Her eyes,
Her smile we turned to a bloody gash.
Her hair we pulled out by its roots,
Her hands we chopped with axes and saws,
Her feet we dug up with advanced machines.

When we were done with Her,
we labeled the portrait - “Mother Earth.”

small, small wishes...

It’s past the midnight hour, way past,
and Dawn is slowly gliding across the sky.
An early bird sings, listens and sings again.
The bedroom is cool and dim.
Through the open window, the faint ,
wonderful scent of newly drenched earth
drifts in, each time a young breeze rustles the leaves outside.

Mother is deep in sleep, one hand tucked under her ear, the other stretched across,
Sisters, sleeping next to her, bent, the little curls that line their foreheads, matching the fluttering of the leaves outside.
Father is sleeping too, the respite before another day at work,
Brother, lost in dreams, his lanky frame, graceful in repose.
And I sitting here, writing this.
Oh Lord, let it always be like this,
a moment so perfect in its perfection,
The world is good and new and peaceful.
Bless my family and friends everywhere.

and then there's marriage...

For me times haven’t changed,
We are still two valiant warriors
battling against a cruel world.
I, holding my red duppatta over your head,
so the cold raindrops don’t wet you,
And you, walking on the “Danger” side of the road.

Now you brush past me in the hallway
and don’t even utter an apology- I don’t expect one but
did you have to shudder, as though touching me repelled you.
I didn’t realize when all your love had gone and bitterness taken its place.
because my all-encompassing love for you, made me blind.

I see now you are changed and the pity is,
for me, the times haven’t changed at all…

choti si prem story...

I used to tease him whenever we met
that he would forget the love we had,
this hunger, this bliss, this awakening,
he would say, “I’ll remember.”

He had come into my life on the wings of my dreams,
I had tasted the sweet flush of first love,
but just as soon as life started singing,
he had to leave for the War.

We promised to love forever, he smiled, I cried,
and then a solemn promise we made,
that though we had been forbidden to meet ever,
If we lived through this war, we would.

I waited nine long years,
and the war was over.
Youth, riches, beauty all were gone.
Hope remained, but I stifled it
He must have a new life, so many laurels had he earned.
So I succumbed, I was weak,
another shared my bed that day.

I began life anew, leaving even the memories
of that first, riotous passion far behind,
going on with life like others were doing,
till they sent me his few remaining possessions.
His family all gone, they traced me through a letter,
a letter that just said,“I remembered.”

such is life...

On the clothesline in the garden one morning,
when the earliest riser got up from bed still yawning,
there formed a genius of Creation,
that would have filled the dullest mind with elation.

The ground lay below, it lay on top,
On top of the clothesline – a magnificent rain drop.

Slowly it grew in size, and in stature too it seemed,
All the colors of the rainbow inside it gleamed,
Till at the height of its importance the little monarch claimed with glee,
“Bow to me Creation; for I have trapped the Sun inside me.”

And for one, wondrous moment its claim held true,
For a more radiantly beautiful masterpiece nature never knew!

But the Sun only shone brighter than ever,
And the morning breeze blew, causing the clothesline to shiver.
The little drop, showing the first signs of fear,
Clung on with all its might to life held dear.

Till succumbing to the inevitability of Life, the proud child fell forth,
And was enfolded in the warm embrace of its Mother Earth.