In Memoriam

After I don't know how long, a memory I thought I'd blocked out came back to me...

Growing up, we had two dogs, two beautiful Alsatians. Fanny was the first one. I think there had been other dogs before her, but I remember Fanny. She was a wonderful friend...  When friends would come over to play, Fanny would be so protective of my siblings and me...she would growl at any kid who tried to ''act smart'' with us...it was just a warning growl...she was far too nice to attack anyone. I think she was closest to my father. My mother was never much into dogs or cats...she was allergic to the hundreds of hairs our pets would shed all over the house...but morning, noon or night it was Mom who'd always remember to fill Fanny's food and water bowls on time...

Fanny would get so scared during Diwali time...our house used to be the hub of all the excitement...with candles and sweets and the fireworks - a source of so much fun for us kids - but now I get how traumatic it must have been for poor Fanny...that brave dog who wasn't scared of anything else would be forced to hide under the bed...I was just an insensitive kid then...I had no tears to spare for her as she would whimper under that bed...I was too busy wolfing down gulab jamuns and bursting phatakas...I can't stop tearing up now...

I remember one day Fanny was nowhere to be found...after frantic searching by almost the entire neighborhood, she was finally discovered - the poor darling had been kidnapped by our treacherous neighbors who had stashed her away under their hen coop, presumably to have her for dinner. I remember the indescribable relief and joy when we found her and the depth of anger and resentment against those people who had done that to her... I for one was resolved to be as mean as I could be to the kids in that family...who were probably unaware of what the adults had been doing...

Fanny died on a Sunday. I distinctly remember what day it was because in my mind's eye I can replay those scenes like they've been dvr'd into my memory...there was this program on tv that would come on every Sunday...Fanny had been unwell for the past few days...she was lying down outside in the sun...and she died. That's my memory - that program with a silly jingle playing and outside, Fanny dying. I don't remember what she had been suffering from...I don't exactly recall how old she was...she was 12 I think...I know my parents or siblings would have that information but somehow I don't want to bring this up with them...I don't know why...

We have pictures of her, looking absolutely aristocratic and staring straight at the camera...beautiful and bright...

And then there was Bobby...from the beginning we knew he was supposed to ''belong'' to my elder sister...I don't know how or why but that's how it was...and I must admit he did seem to love her the most...ready to fling himself in fury at anyone who upset my sister...sometimes we'd act like we were mad at her and would yell at her and Bobby would pull back his mouth showing us some scary canine promise of revenge...

Such a darling, cute little puppy was Bobby, always playful...I remember the day we got him home...his first few stumbling steps...and the sheer joy of having a dog in the house again...his cheerful persona...scampering with him all over our beautiful, big garden and watching him lap up milk with the boundless enthusiam that only a dog can possess...

...now I think of things like how we took him away from his mother and his siblings - how painful it is to be an adult and have all this perspective that can make one look back and be engulfed with grief recalling things that one did unintentionally...that one cannot undo...but perhaps adopting Bobby was a good thing because the family he was with had arranged to have him given away so perhaps we were in a better position to take care of him...

When the time came for us to leave Manipur and move to Madras we left Bobby behind with a good friend of ours. It is that memory today that triggered off this huge ball of painful-I-don't-know-what that's lodged in my throat and is making my eyes tear up and my body heave and my hands tremble as I type. We took this little baby and he became an invaluable part of our family and then we left him behind just like that...I don't remember how old he must have been...still a little baby dog, a little puppy. I was 8 then and all I could think of was how sad it was to leave my friends behind, how soon the park and the olive tree would not be and how - wow someone who'd come to say good bye just gave me a handful of candy... yAy! Those were my thoughts then...

I don't know who decided or why that Bobby would be left behind...I'm sure it was well thought out by my parents ...they aren't cruel people and it was probably the best decision...but I look back now and think how devastating it must have been for that poor little soul...twice already in his little life, the family he knew had disappeared just like that...

Many years later I was told that Bobby died a few days after we had left...I can barely write this ... he died of a bone that got stuck in his throat...that little innocent, with his naughtiness and sunny disposition, who knew only how to be happy and make everyone around him happy, that's how he died. I cried when I heard this and even now the tears are unstoppable.

So I had to get back to this blog of mine and pray for some catharsis by writing this down. I hope they didn't feel any pain...even if they did, I hope it was fleeting, momentary, a spasm...at least I have to...need to...think that way...

But it's not just the selfishness of trying to lessen my guilt and pain...I'm writing this as my way of saluting Fanny and Bobby...a small way of thanking them...and apologizing to them...and letting them know how very special they were and always will be. They were the best companions we could have hoped for...they were unselfish and joy-filled and faithful and loving. We controlled their destinies or at least we shaped what their lives were and we unknowingly hurt them ...but we also loved them abundantly and they will forever be missed...